Mason as usual has no interest in playing with toys. He has his hands in the trash can, trying to climb up the stools, poking his fingers in the outlets, running across the chairs, trying to press the buttons on the thermostat, banging the metal blinds against the window, trying to pick up other peoples drinks, and swinging on the door handles in a futile effort to escape.

Of course everyone stares and I wonder if it is out of annoyance (because I am extremely annoyed and it's my child) or if they are just entertained or empathic. I am not going to reprimand my not even two year old for being just that - a baby. I do try to tell him to be good and try to hold and sing to him, try to get him to play in the toy room with me and it is all in vain. So, now when he goes with me I just let him loose and follow after him like a shadow.

This past Friday was particularly challenging and annoying. He went straight for the play room thank goodness but there was a mother and 6 year old daughter camped out in there. This mother had her giant purse with items falling out all over and she was sprawled out on the floor. Her daughter had a bag too that was swiftly becoming empty of it's contents - books, puzzles and stuffed animals all strewn about the toy room and they each had 2 sports bottles with some type of liquid in it. Mason of course wanted to play with all of her stuff and thinking back I should have let him considering she had everything mixed in with the office's toys. The woman was trying to read a book to her daughter and kept giving us an annoying stare every time Mason banged on the table. I wanted to say screw you and all the people there, you try keeping up with this kid.

At one point Mason stood up on the stool and I, just a few feet away and walking towards him, start reprimanding him. He got excited that he was getting in trouble and forgot what he was doing and fell right off the stool hitting his head against the wall before hitting the floor. The dumb ass mother jumped through the ceiling like a cartoon character, gasping and uttering oh my god! I immediately said to her that he was fine (which he was, I know my son's falls and his cries to know which ones are bad and which ones just scared him). I am sure she scared him more than the fall did. She immediately covered her mouth and said I'm sorry over an over and whencing like she was in pain. What was wrong with this lady?! I immediately hear an internal voice in the back of my head, "one of those mothers that never watch their kids!" No, i was not going to let this dumb bitch and her knee jerk reaction make me think I am a bad mother. It could not have been prevented unless I was 8 inches from him, and honestly I don't want to be the kind of mother who has their head up their kids ass.

Then another internal voice comes to my head, it is my husbands and he is saying, "you never have any reaction when he gets hurt." Was this crazy woman's reaction to Mason falling what Ray wants from me? Insane! No way. I think I have the right reaction which is almost no reaction. I hold him and cuddle him, hum and try to distract him. I never gasp or cry, jump or yell. What is the point, I think it will only make things worse for Mason. It is important that I remain calm and asses the damage. Honestly, now that I think about it Ray never has any reaction either, unless it's reprimanding me for showing none or letting Mason get away with murder. I know that his reactions are all internal so I can only hope that he can realize that showing no reaction by no means means you don't deeply care, are scared to death and extremely concerned and feel just terrible and guilty over the incident.

When we have inside play he flips things over and tries to figure them out, wondering how he can get things apart and how they work. I cringe every time he tries to rip apart his books and flash cards. Even the board books he tries to tear apart if he sees a corner edge looking a bit rough. If he can't get something to come apart he will bang it on something else and then scream when that doesn't work.

Everything is a step stool so of course things are broken or smashed. I contently find the keys to my key board missing. If it's standing he will knock it over, if it's together he will pull it apart, if it is whole he will squash it, if it is full he will empty it.

On our last play date my friend's son Logan went down the slide as expected and Mason decided that was not enough so he tried to bring a toy metal shopping cart up the steps. I was not sure if he intended on riding it down or just sending it off the edge, either way he was unsuccessful so he tried to push it up on the stage they had. When it only got halfway up he got on the stage and tried pulling it up the rest of the way but when the wheels got stuck he just pushed it down and over and everything fell out.

Logan was so sweetly and gently playing with objects. For example, he showed us a plastic tree that went with the train table. When Mason got a hold of it he ripped off all the leaves. My fiend says, "Oh, it must be fall." She gave me a good way of looking at this destruction. I put the tree back together and he again tore it apart and threw the pieces on the floor and so there it laid more like deforestation to me than a beautiful season.

All Mason wants nowadays is his Daddy. Follows him in every room, around the yard. He wants to be held by his daddy, to play with daddy to show daddy everything. He wakes and wants Dad, must kiss dad goodnight before bed. It's actually kinda nice to have a break from being the go to parent. The annoying thing is all I hear is Da da da, and when Mason does not see Ray he will yell Da louder and louder.

In the middle of the store he starts yelling Da at the top of his lungs. At the Dr. office he looks in the rooms yelling Da da da. Ug, Dad is not hear, now shut up. Like I really want to be reminded that Dad is getting his alone time again while I am out struggling to accomplish errands with this broken record and volume knob.

I remember reading The Berenstain Bears books when I was little and it's kinda nice to see them in animation now, but whats the deal with their names? All the characters have names but them. I can understand that within the family they would call each other sister and brother, mama and papa but everyone calls them by these relational names.

I liked Angelina Ballerina at first, only because of the British accents, but now I can't stand that show. Angelina is such a spoiled, selfish, crybaby that bitches about everything. I understand that the writers are trying to create scenarios where lessons can be learned but I think maybe it could be teaching kids to mimic such behavior - I have seem way too many little girls act like this little rat brat.

One big pet peeve of mine is characters with language flaws. There is a character in The Backyardigans that speaks like a baby or something, it's so hard to understand him and from everything I read you are not suppose to speak like a baby when teaching them words, you are suppose to pronounce them correctly and in a regular adult voice. There is a character in the Pajanimals with a horrible lisp, so bad so that I had to look up the words to the song because I had no idea what he was saying. Shouldn't we have characters that are speaking clearly so our children can learn. I mean even Handy Manny has better speaking skills then these American characters. Donald Duck is another one that I just want to wrap a rubber band around his bill, shut up duck until you can speak so someone can understand you. Are the creators of these shows trying to reach out to all kids, to in a way say look you have a lisp or talk like a baby and so does this character - so they can relate to it? I think it's a bad idea, teach the kids the right way to say things!

So far I have found very little to fault Kipper the Dog with. Sometimes the writers are not consistent and the characters will refer to their paws as hands in some episodes and paws in others. The Wiggles is another one I like. I enjoy anything with male role models that incorporate music. My friend Christy hates the show because of Murry's big bulging bug eyes. She thinks there must be something medically or genetically wrong with him. Handy Manny is another one of my favorites and I can only fault that show for always covering up Manny's hands. It's actually kinda creepy that he is always wearing his gloves even if he is not working.

Will there be a time that I am not trying to rush through my meal before I get interrupted? I am expecting many more meals that go unappreciated and uneaten. I also expect to keep fearing unopened bottles and cans of soda like ticking time bombs.

I hope that I wont keep looking at left over baby food as a godsend when the fridge is bare. I have already lost my sense of smell, taste and appetite and hope it can only lead to weight lose.

I would like to go out to dinner without Mason and not spend the entire time talking about him. I will never enjoy cheese quite like I did before I smelled it come back up.

We are still patiently waiting to hear real words, which is why when we do we get really excited but that seems to be it, just that one word that one time. Lauren said she swears he said "window" and I know I heard him say "lion". Ray and I both heard him say "two" the other day when I was getting mad and doing the count down, Mason thought it helpful to mock me and fill in "two" when I got there.

He started saying "e-i-e-i" today for e-i-e-i-o. So now when I sing Old McDonald, Mason fills in with "e-i-e-i". It's the cutest thing ever and I really hope it wont become a one hit wonder.

Are her parents lucky? I wondered about this, it might be nice to have a quiet child and one that doesn't move around very much, there would hardly been any work to watch after them. They have an older child too, who acts like a normal 6 year old so maybe one is enough for them and they are happy their littlest one is a drone.

I love that Mason yells and runs around. I love that he has such a complex personality. He has such silly expressions, from the pouty face to some squinty thing he does when he doesn't want something to a great big smile. I love how he points so rapidly at what he wants you think his arm is going to fall off. I love that he is at times daring and others is very still. It makes me think that their is something wrong with this girl because she just stands there with a dumb expressionless look on her face for hours. I will take my maniac man over a drone baby any day.

"Yes, that was me."

My internal dialog was saying, does this lady need a photographer or a baby bike seat? Maybe she wants me to rent Ray out so he can give her kids a ride too.

"Was that his first bike ride because it looked like his first bike ride?"

"Yes, it was."

Wow, this lady was awfully excited about it being Mason's first bike ride. She explains to me that she saw our whole family scene playing out as she was driving by and thought Mason was just the cutest little boy she had ever seen and thought how happy he looked and in turn this made her all warm and fuzzy inside. He made her smile real big and made her feel really good to see a milestone in action.

I was looking past her to the two kids in the car and wondered if they thought their mother was crazy, wondered if they were thinking, "oh god, here she goes again!" So, this woman must be a neighbor right, apparently not. When I asked her which house on our street she lived in she said she doesn't, that her kids attend the school on the other end of our neighborhood and she just cuts through on our street. Nice.

So, you would think I would find all this endearing and sweet and at first thought I did but then reality hit me. In this day and age no one is really that sweet and I thought about all the weirdo women that befriend other women and kidnap their babies or cut open their prego bellies and take them like some witch doctor. Were the children in her car even her's?

Maybe I need to work on being a more positive person.

Yesterday we all 3 hit rock bottom. The outside temperature felt like it was 106 and the air conditioner was struggling to keep the inside at anything lower than 81. Mason had been whining and screaming all day, mad that he was cooped up in the house and that I would keep telling him to get down off the chairs and table. The kid obviously needed to run outside and climb but it was just too hot, I was sweating inside the house for christs sake. I spent all day pulling him off the table and hugging him when he fell off the chairs so I finally closed the chairs off in the kitchen which caused more headache because you couldn't move or get to anything and when he got in the kitchen he was reaching for knives and glasses and then would scream and throw a fit when you took him down.

Ray had a headache, I was hot and tired and Mason was in pain and bored. By the end of the day we were all screaming at each other and no one wanted to eat the meal I cooked. That's when Ray left to run an errand and I lost it. I took the chairs and threw them off the deck and into the back yard. There is only 2 of us so we only need two chairs anyway! I put Mason to bed, took a cold shower and drank a cold beer and felt a little better.

None of us could take another day like today. All the teething things I tried seemed only temporary and he was in so much pain and annoyed and annoying both of us that I finally bought teething tablets recommended by so many people. It is a miracle, he is a different child. I have a new table on order and the chairs don't have bottom rungs so I am hoping he wont be able to climb these. Now, maybe I can get the bruises to clear up on my arms so people stop thinking I am a heroine addict.

He will take a cup and fill it with sand and drink it. Two times he choked on it and he continues to water board himself from his water table. He loves to drink from the hose but thinks its even better to stuff rocks in there and drink those. Poor unsuspecting Ray, he put the spray nozzle on the hose and rocks shot into it, wedging themselves inside and blocking the water flow.

I have tried telling him no, talking to him about it, ignoring it, redirecting him and nothing seems to work. He would rather eat a handful of Hasta leaves than green beans. I have decided it's a losing battle and so I let him eat one day Lilly a day in exchange for not eating the rest of my flowers.

He sometimes lays near me and scoots down towards me tapping his diaper for me to change him and if he does not have any pants on and is ready to be changed he will just take the diaper off himself and hand it to me, poop and all.

When I use the bathroom he signs "potty" so he understands and knows enough that you would think I could start potty training him now. I think he is part way there but I doubt he has any prior feeling that he is going to go and I know he can't control it. So, I think I will keep doing what I am doing and get a potty to keep downstairs and hope he does not lose interest in it and when he is ready it will be quick and easy.

Until then I get to clean up pee on the floor because he has taken his diaper off before I can open a new box of Pampers Baby Dry (the irony) and after I get the diaper off and clean up the pee before the cats walk through it he has peed again on the carpet, uh. This is still better than this morning when I walked into his room and stepped in something wet. Tired and groggy I think I am imagining it but feel more wetness under my feet. My first instinct was to bend down and touch it and smell it and honestly it didn't smell like pee, so I looked up at the ceiling thinking there was a leak in the roof and when I didn't see anything I looked at Mason who was completely naked and pointing to all the things he had peed on.

If Mason sees a broom in your house, watch out because he will clean your floors. He's even swiffered at Gymboree but they still won't give me a discount on our membership fee. I bought him a kids broom because I thought he was going to take out a window with my broom and now he goes about the house sweeping half the time and carrying it like a hockey stick the other half.

In keeping with my neat freaks clean fetish, we bought him a toy Dirt Devil vacuum. It lights up, the bag comes off and it makes a running sound - NUTS! He is just now trying to release the body with his foot and when he gets frustrated he points to my foot and then the vacuum. I told Ray we need to find out how to make this thing really work, then we will always have clean floors. The vacuum idea came from Mason always pointing to it when we said something was dirty then we went to Best Buy and he saw a whole row of vacuums and he went crazy over them. We took down a small Dyson Ball and he pushed it all over the isle and cried when we put it up - yes baby, mommy wants a $400 vacuum too.

I was having waffles one morning and Mason begged to hold the bottle of syrup. He then embraced her, hugging her if she was his mammy. "Mason baby, Mrs. Buttersworth is a condiment not a dolly." He didn't care, she smelled sweet and fit perfectly in his little arms.

I can appreciate the kid that has an imagination and pretends but at some point when its in your face and loud it's annoying. This boy at the park was playing "I am king of the turtles," he just looked and sounded stupid, if he was 6 it might have been different but he looked 12 and was by himself. He was running around and yelling and getting in my personal space and even Mason had a look on his face like, "Is that boy crazy mama?"

A girl at Gymboree runs wild and yells while running around the room. I am not kidding people, she is like a wind up toy high on Starbucks! She does not thoughtfully do the activities or play on the equipment but she does make sure she gets Mason's attention and then tries to "help" him. I bite my tongue and let her but do not encourage her and try not to even speak to her. I know this sounds so mean, but she is so annoying. Her mom never says a word to her and watches her other child, a son about Mason's age. This girl ended up smacking her mouth into her brothers head and blood was everywhere, honestly you couldn't tell a difference in the decibels between her screaming in pain and her general play yelling. The mother was there for 40min with her bleeding and screaming, not once did she cuddle her or attempt to settle her. All I heard her say is to keep the ice on her mouth that it wasn't too cold. Too bad she didn't hurt herself in such a way that it was painful to make any sounds.

I hate when kids make up there own jokes, they are rarely funny. I can't stand when kids think they know what you are talking about and insert their silly nonsense comments. I hate when they repeat the same sentence over and over until you recognize they are speaking. I understand these are all social skills they are practicing and learning to develop but it is all so annoying.

Will I be annoyed when Mason does some of these things or will I not be phased, certainly I wont think it's cute, right?

By the time I moved to my next apartment I had added Shakespeare poetry magnets in case I would get creatively inspired waiting for water to boil. I had become less health conscious so the vacation magnets held up take-out menus for pizza and Chinese places. Post cards brought nice island views to my cramped kitchen.

Once I moved to a house we had more take-out menus, coupons to local restaurants and oil change places, reminder cards for dental appointments and car service. Insurance magnets, bank magnets, real estate company magnets seem to come with the house. I got a fun Dick and Jane magnet set from my mom and some metal ones that list measuring conversion from my niece. My oven mitt even magnetizes to the side of my fridge.

Then Mason came along and I dare you to find space on the fridge. We have Poison Control magnets, ones for the pediatricians office, our health care providers nurses line, and breast milk cheat sheet magnet. Then we have magnets holding up pictures of Mason and my nephew. Ones holding up party invitations, to do list's, grocery store lists and lists to not forget the list, reminders, appointment cards and a list of things not to feed your baby. I have drawings that Mason made and a great picture of Dr. Seuss that Tommy made. Then on the bottom half we have our Leap Frog magnets, a Fridge DJ, Fridge Farm Animals, and our newest addition the Car Wash. You can make a cow mow or put a pig head with a ducks butt and make a pig duck . . oink quack! The same goes for the car wash, I wonder what it would be like to drive a boat plane? My favorite is the DJ because we sing to it every morning.

I didn't want to find out my kid was a retard and could have been prevented if I just would have had a PAT rep. What in the world was this lady going to do or say that I already didn't' know? I got over my ego trip and had a rep come out for the sake of Mason.

Hmmm, can we say I was right?! She gave Mason lame activities, I could see how it was suppose to challenge him but he is obviously beyond that. I knew this, but how could I have expected her to. She was surprised that he knew what to do with her homemade activities before she had the chance to even show him. The reading material she brought me was suppose to be on how to help foster and develop language skills in my son but instead it focused on what your 12-14 month old should be doing and had specific sections on crawling, cruising and begining to walk.

It just confirmed in my mind that Mason is developing fine and I am doing a good job at teaching him. The kid can put shapes in the shape sorter, can point to animals and objects in his books when you ask him to find one and can even point to them based on the sound they make. He knows how to match colors too.

He has started saying Mama, meow, gu (or gu-tr for guitar) ca for cat, bay for baby, cu for cup and signs for done. He has started putting things together to communicate, for example while I was eating dinner he tapped my leg and signed for done then acted like he wanted to lead me into the other room. I said, "Do you want mommy to be done so she can go in the other room and play?" and he smiled. I swear it can be like living with Helen Keller. The best thing yet is today he started saying Yes, but it's more like Yu (as in the sound of Yuck).

My point is, I think our progress is just fine but I am going to let her come back for another time or two before I rule out the program. I think I might need to tell her that coloring Popsicle sticks with marker is not a good toy to give a 13 month old. There was ink all over his mouth, tongue and hands. The City of St. Louis Board Of Education should be happy that crap didn't make it on my new couch! I don't think this woman has much sense.

Gymboree seemed like a good alternative. He has class on Saturday afternoons at 1 and we get free open play days through out the week. He really embraces the activities and loves the parachute and bubbles. He pulls all the little girls bow adorned pig tails, running off with his friend Jackson and smirking at the other moms.

I have found that he is harder to deal with when we miss our sessions (because he has been so sick). He is getting so frustrated that he cannot talk and I think mixing that with being cooped up in the house with my working, he;s bored and angry about it. Mad and frustrated that he cannot communicate with me and that I wont pay attention to him every waking second he starts biting and banging his head (actually he bites no matter what but that's a different blog).

I am hoping that as he gets better when can start going again 3 times a week, not to mention with the warmer weather on it's way we can be outside more, even while I am working.

Another good thing that has come out of Gymboree besides Mason socializing with kids his age and other grown ups, I have lost 7 pounds!

Oh dear Lord how wrong I was! I would never wish an ear infection on any family. I had no idea how bad they were until Mason woke at 2am one night inconsolably screaming bloody murder and so hot I swore I had 3rd degree burns from holding him. We were up through the next day and the Dr. said he had an ear infection.

The ear drops helped a lot but the snot that was running out of this kids nose was insane. I don't mean a little run or a drip here and there, I mean both nostrils were overflowing like a shaken can of carbonated soda. And watch out when he sneezed, I half wanted to yell duck or fire in the hole! Better out than in, yes I know and then one day it just stopped . . . stopped up that is.

He was snorting and gasping and gagging when he slept or took a bottle. He decided he no longer wanted to eat because he couldn't breath and hold food in his mouth, that's when the vomiting started. Anytime he tried to eat anything it came right back up. I never thought I would be able to have puke all over me one minute clean it up and go right back to finishing my own meal as if nothing happened. Yep, I am officially a parent!

Then the diarrhea started, 2 days of this god awful smell, he wasn't eating anything, what could this be? Gurgle gurgle, squirt, splat, "oh my god RUN!!!" Then he got a yeast infection from all the diarrhea. Mind you the kid still cannot breath and everyone is telling me how horrible he sounds and it's not right.

Now you see why I had not blogged in a month.

I had called the Dr. every week for 4 weeks, my son still can't breath, he still cannot eat, he still is not sleeping well. As long as he has wet diapers and is happy then keep doing what your doing! Are you freaking kidding me! I was so pissed. Then it happened again exactly one month later, 2am he wakes screaming and burning up. This is apparently what it takes for the nurses to let you through to see the Dr. and he said well it seems to me that he never got over the first infection! No fucking way, you think? Where the hell did he get his medical degree and where is mine because I had been saying that for 4 weeks!

They put him on a different antibiotic and the Dr. warned that if he still has nasal issues after the infection is clear (he had an ear and sinus infection) that he might have allergies but will not be able to confirm until next year. Three days later my baby was fever free and 90% clearer through his nose. But guess what? The antibiotic again caused him diarrhea and another yeast infection, which brings us to present day.

He finally seemed content with his meals. After his 1 year check up we slowly moved from formula to whole milk and I cut out the last nursing altogether. I don't think either of us missed it. Of course when he got sick and when he seemed upset I wanted to nurse him so bad to comfort him but refrained. It was actually nice, there was a sense of freedom and getting myself back and he was more satisfied in the morning and slept latter. For the morning feeding (at 5ish and no longer at 4) I still give him formula because I am too lazy to go downstairs and get milk. I thought about bringing up the mini fridge from the basement and the extra microwave but that seemed a little extreme.

I still wish I would not have had a C-section, feeling as though I had missed part of the great birthing experience. I still feel sad that I was so medicated that I was not able to hold him right away. Nursing was definitely a challenge on many levels from sheer pain to my body, no longer being my own to sleep and pacifying issues. In the end I am happy I nursed for as long as I have, I think it was good for him mentally, physically and emotionally.

Working from home and being a mom has it's challenges but like all thing it works itself out and then changes up again. We have come a long way since that little boy who could not sleep in his own bed and would wake every few hours for months and months. Thinking back I am not sure how we did it.

He loves outside and nature and is all boy playing with his trucks and playing in the dirt. What do people do with girls? I would have no clue! I knew I was having a boy before he ever came into our life. Whenever I had baby dreams it was always a boy which is why I bought some boy clothes as soon as I found out I was pregnant. He loves walks and looking out the window, chasing after the cats and going to Gymboree.

The one thing I wish most is that Rays mom would have gotten the chance to meet Mason. More so than that, I would have liked her to see what an amazing father and man her son has turned into. I know she was proud of him but I think she would have really been blown away at what an attentive, dedicated and loving father he is. I am very lucky to have Ray as my partner in this experience they call parenting.

Mason did not act as if anything was wrong. He acted like his normal self, no vision or balance issues, he was not crabby, it was just weird.

He had fallen and hit his eye on Monday but that turned out to be completely unrelated. Nonetheless, I was still worried and baffled. Doing some searches on the internet it seemed his symptoms best fit Bells Palsy. We sent some pictures and talked to our Doctor friends and they felt it was the same thing but recommended seeing the pediatrician on Monday.

Even though I felt I knew what he had and knew he would be fine, I still could not sleep, Ray and I were sick with worry. I cried when I rocked him to sleep thinking about the what if's and other possibilities. His eye looked so sad, it wouldn't even close all the way when he slept.

The pediatrician said he has never seen Bells Palsy in anyone so young but was sure that's what he has and wanted to have a CT scan done just to rule out any other possibilities. So we headed to the emergency room and saw many Doctors and a Neurologist. They did a bunch of kinesthetic tests and decided not to do the CT scan stating that they were 99.9% sure it was Bells Palsy and if he got worse or was not better in a month to call them back.

I was so proud of how good Mason was locked up in a small room with us for hours not being able to eat or drink in case they would have to sedate him during the CT scan. Already I have seen some improvement in his smile and it hasn't been a week yet. We put drops in his eye so it wont dry out and massage his face to help waken the nerve. Here is a link to more information on Bells Palsy in children: http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/pa/pa_bellpals_hhg.htm

We brushed off and I helped him walk around, he slid down his snow covered slide and then investigated the snow on the lawn chair. Since his hands were bound in his mittens like a Chinese baby's feet he had no way of picking anything up or investigating things as he does. So he made do and just went for the snow with his mouth, not expecting it to taste so cold he cried yet again.

I decided that maybe being on the porch would be better, not so much snow and less windy. He tried to play in the planter, scrapping at it with his bound fists but the dirt was frozen so we called it a day.

Tuesday evening when the snow started coming down real hard we watched it from the living room window. I loved the look of awe, wonder and amazement on his face; it was a magical moment. Then he started getting really excited, babbling up a storm and stretching to get a better look and then it happened . . . he had just eaten so up came dinner (mac-n-cheese). That was a mood killer, luckily I caught most of it in my hand!

Ray decided since it was so cold out to bring the snow to Mason, so he filled up a cup and brought some in. Mason seemed more comfortable playing with the snow inside. There was some water mess but it was worth it.

Today we went outside and watched Ray shovel the snow . . . I didn't bundle him up so much and I think he was more comfortable. He refused to walk in the stomped down path I made for him, instead he headed for the deep snow and loved the challenge of walking through it. He even patted the snow down on the snowman we made.

All in all his first experiences with the snow was very positive. I wonder if Ray will let me buy a sled, I think it would be great to pull him around the yard in one.

Tonight after about 10 minutes he sat up pushing the bottle away and laid against me trying to get comfortable as usual, but this time he was not going back to sleep. I thought about calling Ray for assistance, anticipating Mason would be giving me grief, but I forged on towards his crib in a cradle hold.

He continued to keep his eyes open while I laid him in his crib. He was reaching for his stuff animal while I was covering him up and I moved it closer to him and I walked out of the room. Watching from the monitor we saw him rub his eye and move his hand back to his stuffed animal and fell asleep.

I told Ray that one of these nights he's just going to point right away to his crib and wont want to be snuggled to sleep. Awww, my little boy is growing up, hard to believe this is the kid we had such sleep troubles with just a few months ago.

After I get him all cleaned up and Ray cleans up the giant mess on the floor, our house starts vibrating and I hear awful noise but I cannot locate where or what it is. Ray discovered they were jack hammering a hole in the ground at the gas station, right outside our window. I had to think quick because there is no way Mason could nap here and I had a conference call to be on, so we headed for my moms.

Oh no, leaving was not that easy, I had him in his shoes and coat and Ray said, "umm, he pooped and it looks like its getting ready to come out the sides." Great! Coat and shoes back off, change diaper.

Mason was fussing and crabbing the entire way there and once we arrived I felt relief. I can start my day with a clean slate, but wait there's more. I swear that's how my day has felt, like one of those commercials!

Mason found a bucket full of wallpaper remover and was splishing and splashing it all over the floor and himself. That meant stopping to clean up him and the floor.

At first he didn't' want to nap and once he fell asleep it was only for 45 minuets. Then he was clingy, he wanted my mom to hold him, wanted me to hold him, cried when he was put down. I am sure he was not feeling well, teething or something. So after my call and some lunch I turned around to come back home, the noise was over and I thought being at home would at least be calming for me. Mason cried and screamed the entire drive home and I was so thankful that Ray took him when I got in and got him to go right to sleep. This brings us to present time and I am just praying he sleeps at least an hour and thirty minutes.

That's another reason I don't like kids clothes, I feel like they are nothing more than a way to advertise and your kid is the billboard. Do kids really care that Bob The Builder is on his pants or that Tigger is chasing Pooh around a hunny pot on the back of a jacket? Honestly, when kids are wearing these clothes they aren't looking at themselves, they can't see whats on them, it's advertisement or for the benefit of the parents, "oh look how cute Jimmy is wearing that Lightening McQueen shirt."

You could say I have a Gap kid, most of his clothes are dark solids or stripes. His clothes are all things Ray would wear if they made them in his size. I am not saying that we have made him into a mini me, but we have dressed him they way we would dress ourselves and I promise you I would never ever wear a Tinker Bell T-shirt. Can you imagine Ray and I wearing coordinating Bert and Ernie shirts?

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't pay full price for his clothes. I get most of them on sale from Once Upon A Child or on the sale racks at Gap and Old Navy. Most of Mason's shirts cost me no more than $4 new. I spent $30 on one outfit for him and it's for his first birthday. It is a winter coat, blue jeans and a dress shirt. I was reluctant at first but thought, hey I never pay full price for anything and now that I think about it it wasn't that bad for what I got and the brand is Kenneth Cole. I could have spent more than that on a coordinating Winnie the Pooh outfit and have my son look like a fruit cake.

So next time you are out and you think, "oh this is too cute" ask yourself, does it look like Walt Disney puked on it? If so, put it back and if you just have to annoy me and you buy it, be sure to give me a gift receipt.

Ray got sick a few days before the show and got progressively worse and Mason and I have been skirting it the whole time getting nothing more than some uncomfortable tummy issues and extremely tired. Needless to say as New Years Eve night approached I was happy to be in bed by 9pm and asleep by 10pm, still a little sad to not be with Ray but hey I was sleeping what difference do I know!

At 5 to midnight the hoosiers next door were yelling and lighting off fireworks. I kept thinking, don't they know they are 5 minutes early!? Their antics woke up Mason and after 5 minutes of him crying and looking around confused by the noises I went in to sooth him. I could then hear the fireworks booming from the arch grounds, by the time the sound reaches our house it sounds like a Harley running outside the window. Mason was so confused by this time and I opened the curtain a little to let the light in on our faces. I kissed him and said, "Happy first new year little man, I love you" and I watched a few seconds of fireworks in the sky off in the distance before giving Mason some Mylicon for good measure and rocking him back to sleep.

He began to enjoy being around larger groups of people and spending time with people other than the usual day to day clan. Now that everyone is gone and the holiday activities are over I feel sad that Mason does not have that lively environment and mass of love, hugs and kisses from a larger circle of people.

Since he enjoys the company of others, people watching and just getting out of the house I am thinking about taking him to Gymboree. I tried looking up Playgroups but they are geared more for parents who don't work and can meet during the week day. Parent who work have kids that are in day care so they don't have a need to expose their kids more stimuli. I am in a unique situate and don't fit either one. I suppose I could create my own group but the last thing I want right now is more responsibility.

Mason has not been as fussy in the car these days and Ray has been able to put him to bed some nights freeing me up to visit with out of town family. Mason sleeps through the night now, waking at around 4am. He was sleeping until 7ish but is now wanting to get up for the day at 5:30am.

I looked at the pages in my grandmothers book and my fathers and they too had slowly fading milestones. It got me thinking, does everyone's baby book have missing memories? It seems that the missing information starts around 6 months or so. I went to add "walking" to Mason's book and I too had not filled it out in 3 months. I realized that it is around this time they are fast movers, either crawling or walking and getting into everything. You pick up the book along with a stack of other things to move out of the baby's reach. That stack then gets moved into the bottom of the closet when guests come over and you are in a mad dash to clean. You find it while digging for the lost credit card bill and set it aside to fill out later. At some point you pile 3 diapers on top, Green Eggs and Ham, a frog rattle and a half bottle of milk.

Once you finally have the time to fill the damn thing out you can't remember when he did what and you spend 15 minutes debating with your spouse until you just decide to leave it blank. I have the advantage of this website, one of us is always updating it so I can go back and get the data and put it in the book.

Now, if I can just get photos printed out dated and put into a book.

I had been anticipating this so for the 30 min he was sleeping I did some online research and decided to do the Ferber Method, which uses the cry it out (CIO) method my pediatrician said to use but combines visits to the room so he knows you are still there, lengthening the time between visits.

I did not pick him up (part of the Ferber Method), actually I got in his crib with him (not part of any method I have read) and let him see it was ok to be in there but when he didn't calm down I got out and patted him, sang a little but he kept standing so I gave him lots of hugs and kept lying him back down. I told him to go to sleep and that I loved him and left the room. He screamed so loud, I closed the doors and turned off the volume to my video monitor. After 5 minuites I went back in and patted, hugged and tried singing but was drowned out by his screams. Again I left the room with him crying. After 10 more min I went back in and he was sweaty but getting tired he was no longer trying to stand but just sitting and crying. Again, I hugged him and offered him some juice and left the room. After waiting 15 more minuites I could see he was still sitting but there was not volume bars on the monitor so I turned it up and could here him whimpering like a puppy taken from his mother too soon and stuffed in a shoe box.

It was this whimpering sound mixed with trying to catch his breath that just killed me, my heart sank and I wanted so bad to scoop him up, apologize and take him back to bed with me. Why again was I doing this without moral support? Oh yeah because Ray would have caved in the first 2 minutes. I should have been more prepared - a bottle of wine, iPod, brownies and a support team. I would much rather here him cry at least then it sounded like he was pissed off at me, now it sounds like mommy doesn't love me and I'm so sad.

I went in and hugged him, offered him some juice, put my empty pillow case down and laid his head on it, covered him up and rubbed his back until his breathing was slower and more rhythmical. I went back in one more time to move his monitor to where I could see him breathing, I was so fearful that he wasn't breathing because of how hard he was trying to catch his breath and how long it took him to do so.

He slept until 3:30am that was 6 hours from the last time he ate and the first time he fell asleep so I brought him into my room fed and and put him back in his crib where he slept until 6:30ish (I was so tired the time started to blur). I fed him again not remembering if he ate and how much at 3:30 and by the pain in my breasts I was thinking it was not much. We both fell asleep in my bed and he woke me up at 6:50, his normal waking time.

We made it through the night, it may not have been exactly how the Ferber Method suggests but it was what worked for us at the time. He also fell asleep at his usual nap time today and allowed me to put him in his crib (which he never does) and has been asleep now for almost 2 hours.

Special thanks to Michelle for staying up with me online last night and being a great source of moral support!

I was convinced, all the crabbiness, the sleeplessness, the not eating, the crying when laid back for changing, sleep or dressing. So I took him to the Dr. and he said no ear infection it's a sinus infection probably brought on by a cold.

I can't believe we spent 3 unnecessary weeks like we did, i just was confused by the symptoms and honestly I thought he would have to be around sick or infected kids to get colds or ear infections so it was the last thing from my mind.

Ray says he's a different baby now after just 3 days of Amoxicillin. No crying or random crabbiness, unexplained tantrums, or sleeplessness and no more fussiness about eating or nursing. Mason wasn't the devil child sent to terrorize me he was actually just sick.

At home he takes two 2-3 hour naps and sleeping, well we are still working on that. Tonight, at least for now, he is asleep in his own bed without a fight. I am starting to feel more normal again, getting back to my old self so to speak. I'm still leery about bedtime but only time will tell.

The only negative thing to come out of this so far is the diarrhea from the Amoxicillin. Poor guy has had it most of the day and has a terrible rash as a result. But he is a trooper, hes playing like it doesn't phase him, like he's a new little man, a new baby.

Is this how someone who really doesn't care asks about your baby just to be nice because they know you will give the generic answer, "Oh, yes he is perfect!" Maybe these people know nothing about babies, talk to any parent and they ask specifics, "Is he sleeping through the night . . . Is he eating solids . . . How is he handling teething?"

I think next time some asks me such a phony question I will give them an outrageous answer like the one above or maybe go the other extreme and say, "Oh my yes, he just did the dishes and remodeled his bedroom and we expect him to be driving and taking his SAT's next week."

He doesn't want to eat solids like he did before, he only eats a half pack and that's pushing it. I have been pumping and having ray or my mom give him a bottle during the day to give me some relief from him but he only takes a few ounces at a time. He is constantly crabby and whining with bouts of crying. He wont nap and that's been a big deal for me because then I don't get any rest; there is no time for me to recuperate from him.

Was it gas? Not enough food? Teeth? My omitting his nursing during the day? Tired? The Dr. said that teething can cause all of these issues and since he is coming up to 9 months it's more than likely the trouble. I had no idea that all that saliva (and there are buckets full) causes gas and that sucking can increase the pain, oh and pulling their ears can be a sign too because of shared nerves.

All I can do is comfort him, which is what I will do more of. I was down right starting to to hide from him because I thought he was just being a big ol' mamas boy when there are plenty of other people that can love and take care of him.

Mason is tired and ready for his morning nap on schedule as usual. He fights me just a bit while he tries to wind down and get comfortable. His tiny feet jabbing my ribs like Mike Tyson's right hook. His fingers pinching my breast like a cat softening up a place to sleep. It is nursing time as well as nap time and he slowly stops sucking and drifts off to sleep. I unlatch him and he immediately flings himself back and forth and starts rooting, then crying. I put a pacifier in his mouth and he still cries, I try a different style pacifier and he cries even louder. I give in to stop the crying and to get him to sleep so I can get some work done. He stops sucking again, I wait, wait some more and unlatch him . . . I dare not move, I wait and wait some more. He doesn't move so I slowly pull my shirt down and start to sit up and he's back to rooting and flinging himself like a fish out of water and crying. He cries harder and harder and I try snuggling him on my lap and holding the pacifier in his mouth to no avail. I finally lay him back down and his eyes are wide as saucers and he smiles at me.

Ray comes over to comfort us both and other than red eyes, Mason looks like he was never tired in the first place. "So, I guess were not going to have any more kids." I look at Ray and and reply, "Who would want to after this." He's not a bad kid, hes great actually, it's just Ray can't tolerate crying and I go insane over whining and Mason has just been a crab with not napping or sleeping. Flash back 10 hours.

I was deeply sleeping for 2 hours when Mason woke crying. I let him alone until it escalated and I could tell he was not just going to roll over and fall back asleep. I picked him up and he fell back to sleep in my arms within minutes. As soon as I put him back down he rolled around crying. I kept this up until on the 4th try, a dose of Mylacone and Orajel and an hour later he stayed down. By the time I got back to my room Ray had already gone to bed and was fast asleep.

Two hours went by and I was still wide awake; thinking about day care, him getting older, money, bills, work, weening him, his sleep, my parenting skills, pretty much just about everything. He cries again and as it gets louder Ray wakes up and tries his hand at soothing him back to sleep. Mason is looking all around as if he had never been awake in the dark before and everything was new. Ray comes in and says as loud as normal, "hes not sleeping" then walks back out of the room. I pull the covers over my head hoping to just disappear, hoping that every 350 thread count will shield me from both their voices. No luck, Ray comes back in and says, "Not to make anything worse but the TV is going out." "He is not going to fall asleep if you keep talking," I snapped back. 5 minutes later he was in bed with us and at my boob sucking his little way to dreamland and every time I pulled away he fussed until I gave in.

Frustrated and still awake Ray wants to know why I can't sleep and why I don't want to sooth Mason when, "He obviously needs you." Fuming I strike back and he retaliates and then Mason starts crying - we both conceded. At some point I was able to unlatch him and move to the edge of the bed away from him. Feeling resentment and anger that turns quickly into guilt and frustration. I fell asleep sometime after 5 to be woken up again at 6:30 and then back to sleep and up again at 8. Flash forward to current.

He's still awake, eyes red, I have given in to him once already and he didn't even fall asleep, which made me mad at giving in. Establish a good routine when they are young, say the experts or you'll regret it. Give them what they need when they want it says the experts or they will grow up distant. You can't spoil them this young, they can't form bad habits before 1 year old, says the experts. It's your duty as a mother to not get sleep and give your child what he wants, says others. I know that I am done with it, no matter what everyone is saying. I don't mind nursing to feed or sooth if he is sick at night but that's it. Now I just have to find the strength and energy to break him before he breaks me.

I took the bassinet feature out of the playpen and have put one of his bouncies on Craigslist along with a bassinet and swing. I have a few boxes of clothes packed away too. The ever changing in between seasons weather is making it difficult to buy clothes. He is outgrowing everything so fast and even some 6-12 month clothes are too tight on him, to whereas some 6 months are still roomy.

Our bed feels more crowded when he sleeps with us. The rooms of our house, which felt comfortable before, suddenly seem claustrophobic to me. I know that when we move some more of his things out we will have more floor space left but for now I feel like he has no room to practice crawling or walking.

We are on the last straps of the car seat, swing and high chair. The last setting on his walker and jumper. His body hardly fits on one of his changing tables. I look at this kid and he just doesn't seem big enough to be growing out of everything and yet he is.

The one thing he has not outgrown is me. He still loves to nurse and reaches for me when he needs me. He cries at strangers and looks to me for comfort. I want him to be independent partly because that means more independence for me but I would be lying if I said I didn't love it!

Ray: I thought you were going to do it?

Me: Maybe I would have if you would have watched Mason.

Ray: No, your Supermom it was your job.

Me: What did you call me?

Ray: Supermom and you have me to thank for that, I made you into Supermom.

Me: How do you figure?

Ray: Because if I actually did anything helpful then you would not have to do everything.

I swear this was our actual conversation and I really think I could market a cartoon based on a Supermom character. I cringe when I hear "Supermom." Ray thinks its endearing and so I cant get mad at him using it when referencing me but honestly I have always thought the term offensive. Why should a woman have to be a Supermom, I would think that women have come far enough in our struggles of equality that men would share equal responsibility of house and child.

Am I Super because I work along with taking care of the house and the baby? If I didn't work would I be less Super? I would think that pioneer woman would be considered Super, they had it rough and tons more responsibilities than I do, but I believe this is a 20th century term.

Am I less of a mother if I don't strive to be Supermom? Does society and my peers expect me to be Super? "Oh Mary did you hear that Lisa wasn't able to nurse the baby while standing on her head and folding the laundry with her feet during a conference call at work, what a terrible mother!"

You all can keep you Supermom title, I will stick with just trying to be a super mom to Mason and maybe one day him and I can pretend we are super heroes and my powers will be something useful like mind control over my husband.

I have been reconnecting with people I have lost touch with like old coworkers, friends, and classmates. I have been talking to my best friend from high school like crazy. What I have found really interesting about this site, and the way I am utilizing it, is that it's a great forum for moms.

Most of the people I talk to are moms. And it is so weird to think of my childhood friends as now being mothers. But we are all the same age, we all have a history together and grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools.We have a connection no matter how much we have all changed and the connection is further enhanced by our babies.

We post pictures of our kids and families and vacations. We chat about the trials and tribulations of motherhood. It's been really nice to escape into this website. It cures my need to be nosey, to have friends at arms length, to indulge in something of my own, and to just be silly.

We put him in a walker at ToysRUs and he flew backwards down the isle like a pro. I was a little worried with our small spaces and doorways he would not benefit from it much at our house but I was wrong. He started going forward on day two, i think attacking the kitty cats was great motivation for him. Now he zooms from room to room and sits in front of the front door and looks outside, it's a blessing for us both (I get some stuff done and he gets change and independence).

He has been getting onto his knees and lurching forward. He will even use our legs as leverage and try to stand up. It really is amazing how every day he is doing something new.

Who ever would have thought the day would come when I thought about clothing as functional? Anyway, I didn't want to wear a shirt over my suit so I was determined to find one that covered me as much as possible. When I got to the pool in my new suit I prayed there would not be any dirty old men staring at me or that when I was jumping around in the water I didn't fall out.

Thank goodness there are two older large breasted women in the class. At first I found myself distracted by there buoys and then realized no one would be looking at me, thank goodness. I have been to two classes and love it - the way I feel and the time to myself. I think I am going to start taking Mason there during open swim.

Ray was the first one to mention Mason at dinner . . . oh yeah reality check, I have a kid. I can't believe I had not thought of him yet. Great, now I am back to feeling a little guilty again. Ray sent Sean a text message to find out the status and we got a wonderful surprise; Sean sent us a picture of Mason playing with a big smile on his face. That was it, I felt completely fine the rest of the night. He even took a nap for him, little bugger doesn't want to take a nap for me or his grandma without a fight.

We had a good time at dinner, ate too much and drank way too much caffeine. The table behind us had brought their 3 year old and a baby who looked to be about 7 months. They were both screaming and crying intermittently. The manager had a talk with them and he apologized to us. I left my kid at home so I would not have to hear this crap, I might as well have just brought him. A restaurant like that, fancy and hot cooking pots on your table, is no place for kids - they don't even have a kids menu. They must have skipped the last course because they left within 2 hours of our 3 hour dining experience. It could have been worse, they could have been yelling at their kids, instead they were pacifying and walking them outside every now and then.

I was excited to pick up Mason. He gave me a big smile when he saw me and I refrained from running over to scoop him up. Instead I started gathering his things, then I went over to him. I don't know why I held back, it's kind of weird, I just didn't want him to think it was any big deal that mom left for a while and came back. For some reason I kept thinking if I showered him with affection it would just make it harder on both of us the next time I left him.

Sometimes I think I think way too much about these things.

At first there was the decision of having Sean come here or dropping Mason off at his house. There are pros and cons to both. Considering this is Mason's first time with someone other than a family member, he might be more comfortable at home with things that are familiar to him. But, then again it could do him good to be out of the house and getting use to different environments. He can be just as crabby here as he would be somewhere else. If he stayed at home he would have all his stuff, but who are we kidding this kid can watch you walk on a treadmill for 20min and spend another 30 ripping the pages out of a magazine and be just as happy if not happier than staying at home in his swing or jumpy.

I have full confidence in Sean watching Mason and not just because he is a MD, I think what I am so consumed with is Mason feeling like I abandon him. Can he even sense that yet? Will he even know I am gone? Will he even care? I hope not. All this coming from the girl who could never leave a stray dog on the street or make it through Lassie without crying and those were just animals . . . this is my son!

I know this short time apart will be good for both of us but I don't know how I will ever handle his first day of school. Maybe by then they will have classroom surveillance cameras with remote access that I can watch from home.

His little tummy was just not ready for those bananas and blocked him up like concrete in a drain pipe. Poor little guy screaming his head off in the middle of the night, he couldn't find any position that would give him relief. Once he got himself back to sleep he was whimpering and moaning in pain. Needless to say the three of us got zero sleep for a few days. He finally got it all out of his system and Ray gave me the big NO on anymore foods until a few weeks have passed.

I don't think a few weeks will matter, maybe with the bananas it will, but we are not going to know how he will react to the other 1st foods until we try and it may lead to more bad nights, i think that is all part of the trial and error of foods. Anyway, I will wait until next Friday and see what the Dr. says at his 6 month visit.

she is rolling over finally, she moves by scooting on her back, she hates being on her belly. she reaches for everything too. she can sit for a couple of seconds by herself, she gets really mad when she falls over. she loves watching her sister, Sam walks in the room and Gabi just starts giggling hysterically, Sam thinks its funny too, Sam is more interested in her now too since Gabi responds to her. its so funny that you can already see that they love each other, they are going to be inseparable. Gabi eats so much now she might be catching up to Mason, she drinks a 6oz bottle 5 times a day and then for breakfast about a tablespoon of oatmeal or rice cereal mixed with the fruit or veg she is on that day, a jar of baby food for lunch and a 1/2 jar for dinner. she goes to bed between 9-10pm and then doesn't get up until 9-10am. she is a bum!! she is so much easier than Sam was at this age. she will play by herself or with her sister while i do my chores, Sam would never do that she constantly wanted to be held by me, and only me. and Gabi is on a schedule more than Sam ever was too, Sam liked to cat nap and Gabi takes actual naps. she takes 2 2hr naps and then usually a 30 min nap after dinner.

My Response:

Holy crap! Are you raising a sumo wrestler? First off, I am so jealous you are getting more sleep than I am and that you have time for chores. Secondly, Ray says Gabi sleeps so much because you have put her in a food coma. He says it’s the same phenomena as the Thanksgiving Day feast. While your little one has gotten over her nighttime screaming fits and is blissfully making up for all those nights now in lala land, Mason has reverted back to the first 3 weeks he was born. I don’t get it, he was on a good consistent schedule, nothing changed, but for some reason he decided last week he was going to wake up every few hours crying and wanting to nurse. Oh god, I’m so tired! I had just really started enjoying 5 to 6 hours of sleep in a row. We tried making sure he took good naps during the day, tried limited his naps, tried to keep him up after 7, tried filling him with extra milk during the evening and nothing has worked. Ray was able to rock him back to sleep one night but that was just luck, Mason hasn’t fallen for it since.

Did your doctor tell you to start feeding her all these foods or are you doing so based on your experience with Sam? I’m still in shock over the amount of food she is taking in over the short time that she is actually awake. That’s like what 2 . . .pints of milk a day? My god woman, Ray doesn’t even eat that much food in a day, lol. Talk about her passing up Mason in weight she’s going to pass up Ray.

I am happy to hear she is finally starting to scoot, did you ever think she doesn’t want to be on her belly because it’s so full? Of course you know I am just kidding you, but I am picturing a female version of the Buddha as I read your email. Her mother setting fruit in front of her as some sort of offering to get her to sleep longer so you can do an extra load of laundry in the evening.

It must be so sweet to watch the two girls interact with each other. The closest thing we have to that is the cats. Mason giggles and stares at them and reaches out and grabs a fistful of fur and then try’s to bite them. I suppose it’s similar to when two siblings are fighting; Sam and Gabi just aren’t there yet, wait until one steals the others Barbie!

I am breastfeeding still and let me tell you that has become a painful joy as he uses me as a teething ring. He gets 1.5 Tablespoons of rice cereal a day mixed with about an ounce of milk. I can tell he is interested in moving on and definitely wants to try to drink from a cup but I have not advanced him and will not until I get the go ahead from the Pediatrician, which I am assuming, will be on his 6 month visit. Isn’t it weird how our doctors are so different? Are you making your own food? You said jar so I am guessing not. I am going to try and make my own. My mother always made food for the Grandbabies but I think my sister had some jars mixed in too.

It will be nice to have someone to eat with as Ray still doesn’t eat anything that swims or flies, or vegetables or fruits. Ray said he can’t wait until Mason can talk because it will be nice to have someone else to speak with; he said he didn’t mean it like it sounded . . . yeah right!

My mother always thought I was being overly dramatic and said that when I have a baby I wont gag, that when you have your own baby it's different as if you are accustomed to it.

This is completely and utterly untrue and I think it was a secret ploy by my mother to ensure I would have children some day. Since Mason started rice cereal his poop has been the consistency of creamy peanut butter and not that far off from the same color. It is so foul and toxic that I thought something was wrong with him. I gaged so bad, my eyes watered and I had to step back and catch my breath. I was afraid Mason would cry from mommy making such a scary face or pass out himself from the smell but he just giggled.

I immediately cursed and ranted on about how my mother had lied to me. Oh heavens, the smell was so bad I couldn't finish changing him until I moved the diaper across the room and then it seem the smell had woven itself into his clothes and permeated his skin like a scented tattoo never to be removed.

My mother had not lied but rather I grew up in the age of Glade and Febreze, of Plugins and scented oils. If something smelled bad my mother trudged through it, in fact maybe she was immune, living back in the day when a hot shower was rare unless you were the first in line of all the others in the family. Living back in the day when the boys actually played outside and got dirty and then men stinking from hard labor and having the whole family congregate in a non air conditioned house. Yes, I have been spolied with my Yankee Candles and light bulb oil rings.

Now his poop fluctuates between being rank and smelling exactly like vinegar. I swear he is trying to poop a peanut butter colored easter egg.

On the fourth I decided not to take him down to our family's traditional coveted and oh so sacred firework viewing spot. I stayed on the porch like I did on Wednesday hoping the trees and houses would deaden some of the giant booms. He slept through the first half but woke up just in time for the last 10 minuets of the 20 minute display. I kept his ears somewhat covered and he was snuggled tight against me and I was snuggled tight against Ray on the porch swing. He watched the bright flashing colors and sprigs and fizzes of fire in the sky and never flinched with the bright booms. He looked at me and back at the sky. I pointed out the colors as they came up and talked softly in his ear. I think he felt really safe and we were so proud of our little boy.

Some people might think I should go in just to exercise my social skills. If I go in that's what I would be doing most of the day - visiting - I really do get more done at home. And I think it's more of a challenge to socialize remotely with people, a skill I am working very hard on mastering.

I like people, but I don't need to see them or sit near them because 9 times out of 10 they just really bug the crap out of me. There is nothing I can't do over the phone or through email or live meetings.

Some people might think I should go to work just to get out with other adults. Well, as you can tell from my blogs I have no trouble getting away from the little one to do my own thing by myself, with Ray, my family or my friends. I don't feel the need to ESCAPE my baby on a daily basis. I honestly feel like this is why I was put here on earth, if being a mom was my only job I would be happier than a tick on a hound dog.

So how is working from home? This is a question I get asked a lot. It was really hard at first, Mason and I both had to make adjustments and we still continue to fine tune our days. For the most part it has taught me to be more flexible and not so anal retentive. I was wound pretty tight when it came to work and I had to come to terms with the fact that it's not how much I can get done in a certain time frame, it's getting the job done without a frame at all. It's like coloring outside the lines and I have always been very careful to never go outside the lines. It means I no longer return emails instantaneously, instead, like the rest of the employees at Citi, I will get back to you sometime later in the day.

Ray works from home too, and that can make things easier when I have a conference call or a pressing deadline. Otherwise we still have Grandma. If I see my schedule looks hectic or it's a day that Ray's is, I will ship the little man over to her house, or she will come over here. I have even worked from her house and that seems to work out too.

Overall, it's working out well for us now, ask me again in the fall.

Hanging upside down is another new thing he has been doing. Silly monkey will wriggle in your arms or on your lap until he can get his head to hang off and then he pushes himself so his head is really upside down. He just started seeing the world and is bored already, now looking for new ways to look at life - not a bad idea.

His hysterical laughter is increasing as well as a happy demeanor all around. He has been playing with his toys and his feet a lot and really enjoys long conversations. He is getting to be such an attention hog.

This morning I noticed he is finally using his toes to push off of while on his tummy. I am hoping he will turn himself over from front to back soon. He seems to do whatever it takes to get to where he wants or to see things. He noticed that behind his head on the high chair there is an orange stripe and wound up turning himself halfway around in the chair trying to get a better look and to touch it. He also started swatting at his mobile like it was an annoying fly.

We bought a porch swing last night, he loves being outside so much and loves Grandma's swing, so we are hoping to get a lot of use out of it. I bought a wind chime too in hopes to create a distraction from the traffic noise and to capture Mason's curiosity.

Now that I have painted you such a cherubic little angle, you can relax we are not the Cleavers, Bradys, or the Jones'. Mason has his moments, many actually, it is just much nicer to dwell on the sweet things and not the things that stink about being a parent.

For example, he is an atomic gas bomb. I swear he farts more and louder than his father not to mention Mason's explosive poo. The back of his diaper and his little butt crack become a flume for poop. Why is there no elastic at the back of a diaper, just a little cinch is all it needs. He is like Old Faithful, you hear the rumble and watch out. I have found the best cleaning solution for his clothes from the pet store. It's an orange solution I originally bought to cover up some accidents the cats had made when we switched litter boxes, but it works great on baby clothes for his "accidents" too.

Then there is the spit up, oh my, I cannot stand the smell of sour milk on his clothes, the burpie, or on me. He spits up hours after eating too. Between the gas and the spit Ray is quick to blame it on something I ate and I did too at first, but come on! Should I just not eat? At some point we have to say it's just the way a baby is and stop blaming mom who already carries all kinds of guilt anyway.

I think he might be in the early stages of teething as he wants to chew and nibble on everything. He fights sleep a lot and becomes very irritable. Nothing makes him happy and you know he is just really tired. I let him cry it out today for about 5 minutes and it worked, he was fast asleep. He has random inconsolable fussiness which is becoming very irritating and the drool . . . you would think we owned a Saint Bernard.

Friday is his 4 month check up and shots, I hope I don't accidentally take him to the Vet instead.

We had mojitos, sake martinis, margaritas and an Elton John. Mix that with crawfish cakes, sushi and crab rangoon, quesadillas, chips with a bacon salsa, homemade ding dongs and a fried banana peanut butter sandwich and you can imagine how sick I became later. I was definitely buzzing hard and I called my parents to come pick us up. My niece spent the night at my house and my husband thought I was fine when I got home. I got my niece ready for bed, called and had a long conversation with her mother, pumped, loved on Mason and went to bed without a hitch.

Some 5 hours after we left the bar, all snug in my bed I woke feeling very sick. I had my head in the toilet until 8am and didn't get out of bed until 4pm. My niece, she was fine . . . her first time getting drunk and she wakes up fine? How is this possible, I have so many years under my belt . . . oh is that it, it's not that I have been a drinker longer it's simply because I am 10 years older than her - UG.

I think one of the worst parts about it all, besides the humiliation of waking up on the bath room floor one hour and wrapped up in my son's jungle animal blanket with my head on his stuffed alligator the next, is not being able to play with him, laugh, talk and love on him like I normally do. I feel like I cheated him and I both out of our time together. Not that he wasn't having fun with his daddy, who I swear was a blessing to us both today, but like Ray said, he just lights up and is so happy when he is with me.

Ug, the guilt of giving him a half-ass smile and not being able to say more than a few words before getting sick again, it was just not worth it. I was lucky that my sister and nephew came by to lend a hand so Ray could get ready for a show and I could get my shit together and back into mom mode.

Funny how I got drunk with my sisters daughter and took care of her and today my sister comes over and takes care of my son while I sobered up. Not to mention my parents were our designated drivers . . . it really makes you appreciate your family in a thank you for letting me cut loose sort of way and not judging me for it.

He had been eying his feet for a while. He stares at them moving and wriggling and finally grabbed them after he leaned forward enough to reach them. Now he will grab them while on his back or while changing his diaper; I can't wait to get a picture of him holding his feet.

He is putting weight on his legs when we hold him up and loves to sit in the saucer. We put him in it even though he cannot hold himself up quite yet (boy he wants to). I fold some cloth nappies around him and he just reaches out at all the toys, spinning and moving the items, looking at himself in the mirror and moving around in circles. Of course these things are mostly involuntary but it's neat to watch the look of wonder and amazement on his face.

He stares at me when I eat and I am reminded that I am his teacher, monkey see monkey do . . . was I licking my fingers, eating too fast, making yucky faces? Soon I will have to watch my words, oh dear!

Today he not only rolled over, but was using his knees to push himself around and sometimes using his stomach which makes him look like a baby seal. Now, I don't mean any great distance, just inches around his mat . . . before you know it he will be across the room.

He is also "talking" a lot and smiles and laughs all the time. He watches intently at everything we do trying to figure it all out. I love watching him learn and wish I knew what he was thinking.

My friend Erica was right when she said just when your maternity is over is when they really start to become fun. This is my last week off and I will really really really miss being a stay at home mom.

I have finished up all my antibiotics and am over the Mastitis. I have been getting those lovely headaches you all are so familiar with. I seem to be able to control it with just Tylenol and a frappuccino - thank you Dr. Starbucks! I think it's allergy and rain related as I think my hormones are pretty steady now but I could be wrong . . . I would have to consult the Patterson sisters.

Since we are catching up, the Grinch poop was not really dairy related. I found out that every time I eat the Weight Watchers yogurt his poop turns green. I hear it has something to do with the yogurt being purple. Mystery solved.

As a side note that has nothing to do with health, well maybe mental health, my niece sent me the loveliest mother's day card that she made through Hallmark using the black and white photos of me and Mason. I teared up when I saw it, she is so thoughtful and knows exactly what I like. I will have to see if I can get some pictures of it up on the site, I am sure Ray will think I'm silly for putting pictures of pictures on the web.

Also, thank you to Michelle for your mother's day wishes for me. It was so nice to be remembered. I am a better mother with each and every once of advise you give me and for being my spring board for ideas, theories and just to vent.

On Saturday my mom surprised me with some beautiful blue hydrangeas. They will complement the pink ones my sister gave me on Sunday when we met with my mom and niece for lunch at a neat PanAsian restaurant called the Elephant Bar. Knowing all my pictures are still only on this website, my niece gave me a small photo album with pictures of Mason; this was the best first Mother's Day gift.

Ray gave me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever received. It really meant a lot because he bought them after his show Saturday night at 2am; he's usually so exhausted and just looking forward to getting home to bed. He has something else for me but it has not come in yet . . . I will keep you posted.

Mother's Day obviously felt different for me this year because I am a mom now, but it also felt like I have joined an exclusive club. I definitely feel different and view people without kids as different from me. Somehow there is now a them and us feeling.

Now, I dread the nights he has shows. I actually fear being alone and I am not sure why. There have been minor things in our area that replay in the back of my mind but it’s the normal goings on that intensify at night when he is not here that keep me on constant edge. Every car door I hear, every car alarm, ever voice, I am up looking out the window with my heart racing. I turn all the lights on and triple check that the doors are locked.

I think of escape roots, always keep the home and cell phone with me when I move from room to room and think about ways we can improve home safety. When it gets really bad I bring out the baseball bat and an old broken bb gun that looks like a real hand gun. My imagination runs wild with ever police siren and fire truck horn I hear.

I use to be pretty cocky and self confident about being able to take care of myself, now I cower like a mouse and I feel embarrassed and ashamed about it. What kind of mother am I if I don’t feel like I can protect my child? Why do I feel such helplessness now that I have him? Why do I feel vulnerable and a target for crime?

I jump and the cats race up the steps at the sound of a series of pops. I run to the door thinking its gun fire, my heart in my stomach. I see fireworks in the sky shooting up over the red neon light of the Chinese Express. I feel relief. I love fireworks and that’s the one thing I like about living where we do, there are plenty of fire works. Forest Park, the Zoo, downtown, we can see all the event fireworks from our house. On this evening the celebration is for the Brewfest, which might account for the higher activity of emergency vehicles storming up and down the street.

Fireworks always make me feel like I am 6 again; I still smile in awe at the vivid twinkling colors, finding wonderment in the streams of white smoke disappearing in the black sky. I still feel excitement at the popping and booming that echoes down our city street and rattles our old windows. I start to feel a little nostalgic when I think about how this is what it was like at the 1904 World’s Fair which took place right here.

My eyes tear up because I am alone and still afraid and yet feel content with the emotions brought on by the fireworks. Such a strange mix of emotions all tangled together like knotted thread.

I resolve to think positive - these fireworks are for me for my first Mother’s Day.

That night while complaining about my day to a friend, she asked if my breast hurt. Indeed it had but I though nothing of it. She asked if it was red where it hurt. I looked in the mirror and sure as hell it was red and hot. Thanks to her I saw the doctor today and it just as she suspected I have Mastitis, an infection in the breast where the milk ducts are clogged.

I was prescribed an antibiotic and am in so much pain I cannot hold Mason in my left arm. I'm trying to rest and drinking lots of water and hopefully I will be feeling better after a few days.

Thank you Erica for your quick observation and kind ear. If I had let it go longer I would have really been up the creek. Erica just had the sweetest baby boy this week - Congrats!

I left the house feeling lighter, like I had forgotten something . . . oh yeah a 12 pound baby, 5 pound car seat and 2 pound diaper bag. It was a nice feeling (I think they call this freedom), I wasn't worried about Mason, he was in good hands with his Daddy. So, for the first time my mind was on myself and my task at hand - eat slow, don't look at the time and have fun being me again.

While I waited patiently in my car for my friend to arrive, I noticed I could see better in my contacts than my glasses and was reminded that not only do I need to make an appointment for an eye exam, but I am getting golder. The light from my sunroof illuminated the patch of sliver hair sprouting from the top of my head. I plucked 7 of them before I give up and decided I need to buy some Nice and Easy.

My friend arrived and I was surprised the group is so small, only 5 of us. I had imagined a large group of women being bussed in, wearing name tags and franticly puffing away at cheap cigarettes. We are all the same age, all are working and all are still married. Everyone was dressed really cute and casual. There was no pressure to appear to be a better mom or wife than anyone else, everyone was just themselves.

We all ordered drinks and my chocolate martini hit me like it should, slow and hard. It was nice to hear the trials and tribulations of the other mothers, their funny stories and just listening to people that feel and have gone through the same things I have. These women are all on their second babies, except one, and so I am at an advantage because I can learn from them. There was no male bashing or uninhibited wild behavior, just five laid back mommies relaxing to good food, spirits, and music.

I was out for 5 hours and was the second one to leave. I wanted to stay to the end but knew my hubby was seeking some relief from his first night alone with the baby and honestly my breasts were so full and so painful I was dying for relief myself. On the way out, I shielded myself from the crowd of people fearing I might get bumped into and burst like a juicy orange.

I realized I have not lost myself and I am doing a good job of keeping who I am. Mason, like his Daddy, are extensions of who I am. They compliment me, not define me. And for the first time I feel like the missing pieces of my life have fused together and I am whole.

If it is an allergy I should know by eliminating it from my diet for 3 weeks; it takes approximately a week and a half each for our bodies to flush the proteins. If this works it may relieve some other symptoms associated with this allergy that may have been mistaken for common baby woes; such things as a stuffy nose, dry or scaly skin, and fussiness. It's worth a shot. They say most babies with such an allergy had a parent who had the same thing - yep, that would have been me.

Again, the irony of payback.

No gas that I can feel or hear, no constipation, he just ate, diaper is dry so what gives. I have found that most times he is bored or way too tired. This kid fights sleep like two stray dogs over a chicken bone. Boredom is cured by a walk outside and sleep just runs its course. We went to the doctor today for his 2 month visit and he thinks it might be stress.

Stress! Are you kidding me? He poops, eats, plays and sleeps - what stress? I don't see him trying to pay for his hospital bill or wonder how to pay for daycare. Apparently all the stimulation he gets during the day just wears him out and builds and he doesn't know how to release it other than crying. My attempts to pacify him, like rocking, swaying, holding and my building frustration are only exacerbating the situation. I can understand his frustration, he cannot see everything yet, he cannot communicate, he craps in his own pants, cannot move around on his own and has to rely on someone else for everything - wow sounds like old age. This would stress me out too, but at least I can reach for a bottle of wine and some Vicodin.

Recommendation is to leave him lay in a quiet room by himself or to sit quietly in a room with him with little stimulation. What this means for Ray and I - replace Die Hard on the 60 inch TV with a little Yoga.

No one said anything about how much and how loud babies fart. It can easily be mistaken for an adult and in public this can be embarrassing. I ignore it now but strangers must think I am just some rude woman farting up and down the isle not excusing herself.

I was told breastfeeding can be difficult and to stick with it; no one said I would want to chop my breasts off or how absolutely demanding and time consuming it is. Sorry to tell you La Leche lovers but I still view it as a necessary evil rather than a beautiful bonding experience.

I somehow was under the impression babies slept a lot the first month or two. He is defiantly awake more than he ever sleeps.

I thought parenting was 50/50 and it’s more like 80/20. I had no clue that Mom was baby’s entire world.

No one said I had to make an appointment to brush my teeth.

No one said showering becomes optional.

How do they always know when mom is eating!

No one told me I had to become one handed.

No one said it was possible that my baby would just scream and scream and scream for what appears to be no other reason than to irritate the crap out of me.

No one associated “what goes around comes around” to raising a child.

Everyone said that giving birth was a miracle and amazing experience, they must not have had the drugs I was on. I felt so high I barely recognized my husband and I felt like I was having some out of body experience, then came the vomiting and the shakes. You would have thought I was a recovering junkie.

While we were up calling the news station and doing an internet search to see what just happened, Mason just wanted to keep eating and then go back to sleep. A bomb could have gone off and all that kid wanted to do was eat and go back to bed. It wasn't until the aftershock late that morning that I got to see everything in the house move and shake. I was feeding him again (now Ray thinks the two events are linked) and when I felt it happening I grabbed him close and tight, at first I did not realize how tight I was holding him until he let go of me. He stayed real still in my arms with the same look of, "oh, don't move, what's happening." After it ended he went back to eating his now second milk shake of the day.

This will be one for the baby book.

I avoided people at work as it was, tired of all the baby questions and belly remarks and father questions. I'm just not one of those people to show off my kid like a trophy . . . I don't even have photos in an album yet and you will never see pictures at Ray's desk. We are just very low key and personal people. Work is for work, not my screaming baby.

This website is as close to flashy as I get and it does not invade peoples work space or interrupt conference calls.

Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed seeing your sons, daughters and grandchildren at my cube, I just don't like all the attention that comes along with bringing your trophy, I mean baby, to work. Now, if he was more like a ribbon or plaque I might reconsider.

I guess for most babies this is not a problem, but it was for mine. I have to give him credit, for a 7 week old baby in 60 degree weather with cold 20mph winds he did rather well. I had woke up at 6am and pumped so I would have a good 4 ouncer for him. He ate right before we left and I figured he would take the bottle while we were there and I would be home for the next feeding, if not I had my trusty hooter hider and I could provide him fast food.

I figured he would last 3 hours between feedings and enjoy the mild weather while kicked back in his stroller being lulled in and out of sleep by the churning of the stroller wheels and chirping birds. Ha, think again novice mama! He was ready to eat in 2 hours and his bottle was ice cold and of course we were stuck in The Rivers Edge with no signs of a bathroom for warming up the milk. At first he would not take it and then out of sheer desperation he had his short low-fat iced leche, hold the whip cream please.

I figured this early eating time would be ok, he would sleep the rest of the time . . . right - NOT! He was content riding on the front of me like one of the baby kangaroos for about 20 minutes and then I placed him back in the stroller . . . mistake. While my family went on a 30 minute train ride I looked for a much needed place to sit and rest and that's when the screaming started. He ate a full meal so it must be a dirty nappie (that's British for diaper). Well I changed him and after I got back to my trusty bench he spit up all over himself, it was so bad I had to change his outfit. Clean and still screaming I know he wants more milk or at least just to feel the love. The damn benches were at the base of the stairs so anyone coming down could see right into the hooter hider. There was such high traffic of obnoxious kids I was sure to be tripper over, gawked at or my milk would naturally suppress from viewing the antics of unruly teenagers.

I went into one of the Zoo's business offices that had chairs inside and I politely asked if I could sit there and nurse for 5 minutes, covered up of course. The two women behind the counter consulted one another and the verdict, No. I was shocked, they said I was not allowed to nurse an any area deemed as a "waiting area". They suggested a location that was not much different from where I just came from. Now, yes I was mad a first but I don't think it was their fault, they just didn't want to be liable if someone complained. They were not educated on my rights as a mother and honestly were just afraid of big bazoombas. So, to make a statement I went right in front of the buildings entrance (on the inside of the Zoo) and covered up and nursed for 5 min when he fell asleep. It was just as I had thought, he hardly ate, he just wanted the love. By the way, Missouri law states that a woman shall be allowed to breastfeed while covered in any public or private location.

I really wonder what is wrong with breastfeeding at the Zoo, covered up even, in a secluded office. I mean this is the place where monkeys masturbate and throw poop on the glass and the lions hump, but a nursing mother is offensive . . . I don't get it.

Anyway, it's frustrating to talk on the phone with his fussing and crying and if he even looks like he is dozing off I take the phone off the hook. My cell phone has run out of battery for days at a time because I am not thinking about doing all the normal things I used to do. Most often when I do get a moment alone that I am not trying to fit in a shower or brush my teeth, I take a deep breath and enjoy the silence, enjoy that no one needs me, no one is asking me questions or telling me to do something. I often stare at the wall for just 20 free minutes in a sort of Zen state until I have to go back to reality.

So, my friends next time you get mad or sad that you have not heard from me, please cut me a little slack and know I still love you all!

While taking a walk I noticed his eyes got big and his head turned toward the sound of a chirping bird. I thought it was a coincidence until he did it again and he smiled when I told him it was a bird . . . B I R D . . . bird; just like Ann Sullivan I spell learning words to him after I say them. I have heard that boys speak and read later than girls so every effort can't hurt.

We also passed a house with a big wind chime and again his eyes got real big. I stopped in front of the house so he could listen to it, smile and coo. Now I am going to have to get one of those for our porch.

These are just small advances that pave the way for knowing that objects have names and the concept of cause and effect. I wait everyday to see what new thing he will do or discover; I believe an audible laugh is on its way.

"My heart is singing for joy this morning! A miracle has happened! The light of understanding has shone upon my little pupil's mind, and behold, all things are changed!" - Ann Sullivan

Not wanting to get into the topic of sex and being caught off guard the question was diverted to another time when consultation could be gained from my sister and SME's.

Having a boy, I am anxiously awaiting the answers they find. I am lucky that my sister gets all these situations first and passes down the golden answers to me; they are the guinea pigs of sorts.

What would I have said? Maybe lied to him and said it has to do with making you pee. I am not sure going into "It helps make babies when you're older" would be a can of worms I would want to open up at that given time and place. Maybe I would have said it's what makes you turn from a boy to a man. It contains stuff that makes your hair grow like daddy's when you get older and makes your voice sound deeper like dad's. It's what makes you look like a man when you get older and not like a woman. This is not lying and is pretty simple, as simple as you can get without using the words hormones and testosterone.

This is a big year for him, first the question about if my baby was going to be cut out of me and then how my baby is getting its food and now testicles. I told him some babies have to be cut out of mommies tummies and others don't and I won't know until it happens. He was happy with that answer and was more interested in if you were able to see your bones when they cut you open. I told him that was a good question, that I was not sure but I would let him know . . . and I did let him know. I told him Ray could not see any bones when they cut open my tummy.

I avoided the breastfeeding question, thinking my sister would explain it to him but after the third time he was around me I caved with a delicate response. I had Mason under a cover feeding and my nephew asked again what he was eating. "Milk" I responded. "Where is it?" he asked. I pointed to my right breast still clothed but not under the cover and said, "From here." He thought for a moment and said, "Can I see where the baby is getting his food?" Not ready to expose myself in my sisters living room on Easter Sunday, especially without first consulting my sister, I politely explained that the baby prefers to eat in private which is why he is covered up. He seemed to accept that answer for the time being and went off to play. I felt good I had not lied to him and that I was not hiding out in a bedroom, but I think it's only a matter of time that he asks again with more persistence.

You should always be prepared to answer these questions and yet you never expect to hear them when you do, thus being caught like a deer in headlights.

At this point he was so wasted from the earlier events that he fell asleep face down. I was reluctant to move him and knew it was not completely safe for him to be in this position but was afraid if I turned him over he would fight me to get to the milk bar. The milk bar was dry and the owner sore over the disgruntled and persistent patron, so I left him sleep on his belly.

I shouldn't have bothered trying to sleep because I was so paranoid he was going to die from SIDS that I couldn't sleep straight. Finally, at 3am I just got up and watched TV and continued to make sure he was still breathing. At 4:30am he was back at the milk bar getting his next fix . . . nice to see he has inherited his parents addictive behavior.

On top of that I spent some time grilling his staff on the necessity of an x-ray of his spine. Out of nowhere they want to x-ray his spine! After double checking with the Dr. and my persistent questioning the need, they performed the x-ray. They said that sometimes there are complications with a child's vertebra that can accompany the torn neck muscle and just wanted to check to make sure. I am not sure why this was not done during the last appointment or why I was not told ahead of time it was needed or why the Dr. didn't check the progress of his neck before the x-ray. And by the way, his neck is healing just fine and there is nothing wrong with his vertebra! I really felt like they were just looking for more procedures to perform. Why not x-ray his whole body and see what else you can find to fix! Part of me felt like a horrible mother for questioning the x-ray but then I didn't want my kid exposed to anything he didn't really need.

So in 6 more weeks I will have to go through this all over again and there better not be any surprise procedures . . . "Oh we think it's possible that his belly button may turn from an innie to an outie sometime in his life so we need to take an x-ray." Give me a freakin' break! The Dr. said that if that little spot on hip is not healed in 6 weeks they will still have to do a brace, just not one so obtrusive. Oh, and if his neck is not fully healed they have a brace for that too. Are they serious!? Let's just put the kid in a body cast for three months and hope for the best.

I wasn't eating at all for the first 5 weeks, missing breakfast and lunch because I was occupied with him. I knew this wasn't good for losing weight nor for my milk supply. I am supposed to be taking on 500 more calories a day while breastfeeding.

I have found that breastfeeding equals 2 WW points per feeding. When I add that with my 30 min. activity points I have 16 extra points which comes in handy since I have to up my points by 10 while breastfeeding. I am still not using up all the activity points even with indulgences.

At least now I know that I am getting the nutrients, calories and proteins I need right now and not blowing up like a blimp while doing so. If I lose weight it will only be an added bonus as I need to have time to do some serious exercising to slim down the belly and love handles; eating right alone won't do the trick.

It's a good thing I am still fond of a pair of my maternity jeans and with the right shirt to cover the demi panel no one will ever know.

He is sleeping too during the day in his play yard and my arms have never felt so free. I love holding the guy and sometimes want to pick him up while he sleeps just to be close to him (I dare not) but I relish the break.

So what have I done to get him to sleep? I am not really sure, it could be he was just ready. Maybe he overheard Ray and I talking about sending him to the "baby farm." All joking aside I have simply started to put him down later, heat up his bed with a water bottle, elevate his mattress a bit and feed him formula for just that one feeding. We will see how long this lasts; I am not getting too comfortable yet.

Tomorrow we go to the orthopedic doctor again to have his hips evaluated again. It will be my luck that just as soon as we get him comfortable that he will have to wear some leg brace that will send us back to sleepless nights. They say babies don't even know they have it on - RIGHT! He knows when his diaper is dirty and hates to have his arms swaddled down and has to extend his legs tightly whenever he has gas so I don't believe he would not have some indication that his legs are strapped apart and bent up. I pray that he does not need this brace.